Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Growing up

In four months I will be 20 and Melody will be 2. It totally freaks me out. Like every time I think about it I have little anxiety attacks. It feels like every things happening too fast and I don't know what to do. I can't be 20 yet, I am so not ready to grow up. Well I don't know, I already feel "grown up" I guess it is mostly the age that scares me. I've never wanted to get older and now Melody is getting older too. I mean she is  full fledged toddler! I absolutely loved the baby years and I'm really enjoying the toddler years but I have no idea how to handle a child.
Now if you don't know me in real life you won't know how socially awkward I am. I hate big groups of people, I'm terrible at small talk, and I have a near impossible time making friends. I don't mind having my handful of friends, though it is much harder that all but one are in college in different cities... I must admit it does get pretty lonely. I guess that scares me too; growing up and not really having anyone. I don't want to go through life alone.

Growing up is never easy. You hold on to things that were. You wonder what's to come. But that night, I think we knew it was time to let go of what had been, and look ahead to what would be. Other days. New days. Days to come. The thing is, we didn't have to hate each other for getting older. We just had to forgive ourselves... for growing up.

Monday, February 6, 2012


So I want a tattoo. Like really really badly but not any tattoo just a simple one on my wrist. Just one word, seven letters. Breathe. That's all I really want. But in white ink, I want it to be simple and subtle. I want it as a reminder to just, well, breathe. Take life one moment at a time and when it starts to seem too much I will just breathe. I don't have to be superwoman everyday nor do I have to accomplish something great everyday. Somedays the only thing I'll really do is just breathe, and that's okay.

Here is an example of what I want (just exchange the word courage for breathe)

Saturday, February 4, 2012

I have to say that today was a very trying day. I woke up feeling so alone. More alone than I had been in so long and I wondered how I was going to manage this and what the future would have in store. Then we of course ran out of pull ups, though I could have sworn we still had a few, and ended up having to go to the store. Since there were no more pull ups Melody had to wear her big girl undies to the store (she has not been doing well in them) so I packed a towel and tried to be as fast as possible. Luckily we made it with no accidents. After coming home and Mel waking up from a nap she had to go potty. Which she then started holding herself crying and saying ow. Now the doctor told me not to be surprised if she got a uti since it's common in potty training girls it still worried me. On our way out the door to find a family clinic (the doctor is closed weekends) she somehow manages to get part of a leaf stuck in her eye. And I mean that thing was STUCK. We tried a warm washcloth and eye drops and nothing would get that thing out. So I decided to continue on our way to the clinic and knock two birds out with one stone. I ended up driving all across town to 5 different clinics, because you know no one takes Medicaid and the places that do closed when I got there.

Defeated I went home, decided to eat dinner then take my poor child to the er. Only after dinner she had major diarrhea which meant she just needed a bath, luckily that got the leaf out of her eye. Which meant that waiting till tomorrow to go to the clinic would probably be best. Now by the time I laid her down to bed I was exhausted and more alone feeling than I was when I woke up. But then I came to the realization that we just had a pretty crappy day but I made it through it. Mel and I made it through it together, and I figured if we could make it through a day like that then we can probably handle anything.

Quote [[Clipped by Ivy's Way Of Life]]

Quote [[Clipped by Ivy's Way Of Life]] (clipped to polyvore.com)

New blog

Hey everyone! I decided a Blogger would be a bit more useful for blogging purposes than my tumblr blog. This is mainly due to the fact I want to reblog everything Hunger Games related... So this has become my new official site. Stay tuned!